I thought I'd better update - I've just realised it's been nearly two months since I did!
So, after coming off LL and onto management and the initial 5lbs gain, I then managed to lose that weight again - probably because of all the exercise I've been doing.
I went for a WI two weeks ago and I was still the same weight as I was at my lowest - 10 stone 11lbs - so I have managed to maintain.
That being said, I'm convinced I've gained weight. Maybe I have gained weight in the last two weeks? Or maybe it's all in my head. Either way I feel very fat indeed and I'm sure my clothes are tighter - but maybe they're not? I have also been really struggling with the bulimia. The last week or so I've been ok, but there have been weeks where it's really NOT been ok - AT ALL.
Plus, I have gallstones. I've had two, unbelievably painful, gallstone attacks. I had an ultrasound scan last week and I seem to be awash with the little buggers. I don't know what will be done about it yet. I'm hoping that I will have no more attacks and can avoid having my gallbladder removed - that would be at least two weeks out of my normal schedule and I can't really do that. Both attacks occurred after there was cream in my meal - so I have refused cream and been careful not to have too much oil/fat in one go since. I'm happy to continue with that - and obviously it's good weight-wise too.
It's wierd - every week on LL when I heard I'd lost weight I'd feel thin - even when I was still very overweight. But now that I don't hear that anymore, I just feel fatter and fatter as time goes on.
Anyway, in the interim I have been doing a LOT of exercise. 10 days ago I did a triathlon and another one 3 days ago. Next Sunday I will be doing an olympic distance triathlon (twice the distance of the last two - ie: 1500m swim, 40k bike ride, 10k run). I'm pretty worried about it. I know I'll finish, but doing half that amount is hard enough!! The main problem is the running. I have, once a week, been doing a 10k - running to college from home (as well as shorter 5k runs most other days) but I really am a bad runner and after all the swimming and cycling - well it's almost impossible. I've obviously managed to run 5k at the end of the last few triathlons, but I really can't envisage managing 10k next Sunday!
The good news is that during these last two triathlons I've done really well. I was the fastest female swimmer in the first, and I beat the times of the 3 blokes I went with for the bike ride in the second, 2 of them for the swim, and at least 1 of them for the run. Plus I beat my own personal best overall time by more than 30 minutes!!
What this has made me feel though is that I still would like to lose a stone or two. Although I am within my BMI and a reasonably healthy size, I am definitely still carrying more fat than I want to be. I am easily the largest, lardiest woman at these events - the other girls are so lean. The problem is though, that even if I do lose another stone, I'll never have their flat, toned physiques without surgery to remove all the loose skin. But I do think that another stone would make an even bigger impact on my fitness and performance. Of course, a big issue is that whilst I am on LL, I can't exercise to anything like the intensity I am at the moment! I would love to go back on LL for a month in September and then train intensively over winter and come back to the triathlons next season and see if I can't beat my times. I do worry though if this is just me being stupidly obsessive again - and setting myself up, as always, for failure?
Other news - I got a job - I will be starting as a teacher of modern foreign languages at a local secondary school in September. I am pleased, of course, but I really really wanted to do a PhD. Also, I know this next year will be very tough - the school I'm about to start at has a lot of problems, the students have a lot of problems. I feel quite down about it to be honest - but the reason is that I know I will probably get very into my new job and that I will probably still be doing it years down the line - and so this will be the end of my association with what I love the most - Japan/Japanese etc (although I will be teaching Japanese too). I know that maybe one day I will be able to go back and do a PhD part time or something, but I wonder if, realistically, that will ever happen?
And talking of Japan, I'm going out there next week again - for just over 3 weeks. I am looking forward to it - but I'm also scared, mainly because of the flight I guess. Kublai isn't coming this time, so I feel sad about that already. I'll really miss him. But my bestest friend in the whole world (who is American and lives in Philadelphia) who lived with me for 3 years in the same tiny village, is coming out at the same time and we're going back together. I can't wait to see her and be together with her there! It will, however, be another emotional rollercoaster and having been through so many of those this year, I'm worried about how I'm going to cope with that and then coming back and two days later starting this really tough new job!! I just need to stop worrying I guess.
So lots of good stuff there, but it all seems submerged in bad things to me at the moment (and I'm generally a very optimistic person!). I've just finished my dissertation and I'm putting the final touches to it at the moment - but I really feel sad because I don't want to leave SOAS. Also I really want to get a top mark for my MA, but I'm scared I haven't really done well enough. I wish I could carry on and do a PhD and train lots at the gym and go to Japan on research trips.
Anyway, I need to chill out a bit really and stop trying to deal with everything at once.
Sorry for the long, rambling stream of consciousness...
Right - well it's 2.5 weeks since I hit BMI! Sadly in the two weeks since then I've put on 5lbs!! Now this is absolutely not a surprise. I went away to the middle of nowhere with just pub grub and frankly I did not stick to the "suggestions" of management at all. That being said I didn't go all out. When others had cream teas, I didn't. When others had icecreams, I didn't, when others had lunch, I didn't. However, I did have whatever was available and veggie for dinner - which tended to be quite carby! Plus I drank a LOT!
I have also had several binges - one full blown - complete with throwing up afterwards.
However, I have also been exercising really really hard. I am doing at least two of the following things each day: running 5k (on interval/hill training mode which is bloody hard work), cycling 20-40km, swimming 1k, 1 hour's exercise class in gym. Yesterday I did hill training and cross training in the gym before doing a 1k swim - and frankly I think I might have overdone it a bit, 'cos I almost threw up - luckily I hadn't eaten yet!! I'm waiting for delivery of my new bike which I'm SO SO excited about - here is a picture. It really is the dog's bollocks - although it's an ebay purchase, so I'm slightly worried about it - hopefully when it arrives my fears will be allayed. But I took gaijinboy's sooper dooper racer out for a spin around Richmond Park last weekend and I OWNED the park - oh yes - it was wicked. So when I get this I'm planning some long, hilly countryside rides. And, of course, I've got the London-Brighton next weekend.
Anyway, Tuesday's weigh in was a bit of a wake up call and so far this week, I've been trying to stick to the rules. I've decided I'm on week 5 - my counsellor told me to choose a week and stick to it. I just wasn't sure where to be - having done weeks 1-3 before and now being 3 weeks later again?? Anyway, week 5 allows some alcohol, although I've chosen not to drink - until last night when I had a glass and a half of wine. Interestingly I did not want to finish the second glass anyway - which is NOT like me. Also, I've been trying to stick to 1 meal a day (instead of two), sticking to the rules of allowed things - although it's almost always some mixture of the following: tofu, some kind of raw veg - ie salad, grated carrot, fruit and cottage cheese. That being said I have "picked" at extras on 2 days - yesterday I had 4 mini crackers with philly cheese. The day before I had 2 biscuits. So I still have issues. BUT - to be honest, if I can eat 2 biscuits, or 4 crackers without then eating the rest of the biscuits/crackers - then going to the shop and having a huge binge/purge - this is a BIG success for me.
My worry now is - I get up, do all this exercise, have one meal - usually about 300-500 calories - very limited carbs (whatever is in the tofu etc). Yesterday I had really awful stomach pain - so much so that when I ate my dinner I felt instantly sick - in fact I made myself sick (again! ) and I hadn't eaten all that much.
I feel bad if I eat anything at all - the tiniest bit of tofu, the healthiest lettuce leaf.
Last week I was finishing exercising and having either a Fresh lunch box (190 cals) with falafel, hummous, lettuce and olives or, on one occasion I had a Fresh sandwich - 280 cals - smoked tofu, lettuce, beansprouts. I'd have these with an apple and a soya yoghurt. I felt ok. But this week, as these are not really within the week 5 suggestions, I'm having milkshakes/bars - or just LOTS of tofu, cottage cheese - and really struggling.
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL!!!!
Anyway, elsewhere, I'm procrastinating with my dissertation. Getting well and truly fed up with applying for jobs, going for interviews and getting nowhere. I have been accepted, I think to go back to Japan in August, directly after teaching foreign students here for two weeks and hopefully, directly before starting a new job in the first week in September. This means I will have sod-all time to write my dissertation, especially if, should I get a new job starting in September, they ask me to come in for a few weeks in July to be orientated!! That will basically mean that I just have the next 3 weeks - instead of 12 weeks - to write my dissertation!!
SO - as usual - taken too much on, generally pissed off with life - oh and on top of all that, I'm generally fed up with gaijinboy and feeling quite ambivalent about us at the moment. As always, when I get like this, I'm harvesting "run away" fantasies!
I have just eaten for the first time in ages - what I can eat is still very limited according to my maintenance programme - but I had some lovely tofu, spinach and cottage cheese. I am being naughty and having a glass of red wine too!
I also today had my last exam for my MA. I have not slept more than 6 hours a night - usually about 5 hours for quite some time now and I'm shattered but pleased it's over. Sadly I have a TON of other stuff on my plate so I can only relax for tonight!!
Anyway - I'm pleased, if tired and scared about going back to "real" food....
Off to my Japanese language exam this morning. Done a fair bit of revision for it. Obviously would have liked more time - but always feel that way. I feel a bit sick. I would have thought at my age I'd have seen my last exam!!!
ninamoonshine - you're an angel! Your response to my last post made me feel much better. I especially liked the Dali Lama quote (except it made me think of lentil dhal!!! which I lurve!! But then I thought of llamas and they're notoriously smelly so my cravings went away!! - maybe I have been overdoing it...) You are so beautiful looking too - I LOVE the photo of you dancing! I'm going to go dancing as soon as I get a free night and just really let my hair down - it's been WAY too long!
Well I had been revising like a crazy woman - up at 5:30-6am, back home from library 9-10pm when I got invited to two job interviews - one on Thursday and one on Friday. Being teaching positions they take a lot of preparation as I have to teach a class, draw up a full lesson plan, attend an interview etc. Being me, this means a full 2-3 days preparation.
I turned down one interview as I just couldn't do both and it was at my least favoured school (out of those I've applied to) anyway. I took 3 days out - retaught myself Spanish, went to the i/v yesterday.
I had one i/v before where I had an excellent lesson, but they felt my language wasn't strong enough in the lesson (it was French that time and the problem with both French and Spanish is that I've been studying Japanese intensively for a year now - so they are a bit shit!).
So I was paranoid about the lesson. Well bloody typical - the lesson went fine, the interview went pants. Interviews are the one thing I do well in and I cocked it up. I really feel like I threw the opportunity away.
Didn't get the job and I would have really really loved to work in that school - it's a lovely place and a great position. I'm so disappointed in myself. I really do feel like I've been working SO SO hard recently, really pushing myself, focusing. And I KNOW I'm a good teacher. I don't go out, I go to evening classes, spend most of my time studying, filling in applications etc and yet I just don't get anywhere. On top of that I got the 2nd essay back in a row which was just shy of a distinction. It's SO FRUSTRATING. I put hours and hours and hours into it, read scores of books. I really wanted to get a distinction.
I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not good enough and I never will be. I feel a bit useless. What's the point of all this pushing myself and pushing myself only to get absolutely nowhere.
I know this is extreme. I know I'm looking at the negatives and not the positives, but I set myself goals and just don't achieve them. They should be achiveable and I can't really do anything more other than give up the 5-6 hours sleep a night I get to study harder/work more etc.
I feel like I need to face the fact that I'm just not that good enough. Written down that looks very drama queen like - but right now I don't like myself very much.
The only small mercy is that I didn't treat myself with food. The impulse to do so wasn't even THAT strong. I did have two bars instead of one - mostly because I came home and went to bed and didn't want to get out for a while - even to make a shake. I ate about 5 cashew nuts just because I felt a bit "FUCK YOU" - but actually in my heart I didn't really want them or want to eat.
What I would dearly have loved was several bottles of wine, preferably with vodka chasers. I got the associated headache anyway from crying.
God I really am a drama queen...
Well off to the library today. Only two days now to revise the entire Japanese language!!!
So another 3.something pounds off last night - I'm now 11 stone 1.4 lbs - so I'm recording it as 11st2lbs at the mo. But that means I am now officially the lowest weight I ever remember being. I was 11 stone 2 for a while in Japan in around 2000 (but did not have this big loose tummy I have now... - I honestly think if I had a tummy tuck I'd be a good half a stone lighter!).
I also had a (new flavour) banana milkshake at bedtime last night and very much enjoyed it! Banana is not a flavour I would ordinarily ever go for - although I DO like real banana and soya milk shakes whilst training!!
Anyway, I'm in a HUGE quandary - do I continue till next Tuesday which will almost certainly bring me into a healthy BMI (JUST!!) and then stop? It would be a fortuitous time to stop as it will be my last day of exams and we're going away with about 40 other people on a walking holiday in Dartmoor over bank holiday - meaning I could eat a little and enjoy myself - also I know I would drink too - maybe not a lot, but a bit. It will also give me 3 weeks more food time to train properly for the London - Brighton (June 17) and then the London triathlon (August 5th)
OR do I try to contine on for another 2-3 weeks to get me down to a BMI 23 or about 10 and a half stone? Which would mean having about 4 days of eating before doing London-Brighton and about 6 weeks to train properly for the triathlon?
I'm SO torn.
Stopping means..
I can train longer and start to tone up and feel a bit better about my body which is not thrilling me right now! I'll be able to start running again every morning and begin to feel strong and fit again!
I can eat at Dartmoor and participate more. I went on a walk with the same group last year and didn't eat - actually it was fine but I also couldn't do as much walking as everyone else.
It will feel like a "reward" for getting through exams etc
I will almost certainly stop losing weight and might even gain some - especially with all the training.
I will be able to come off in a reasonably controlled manner. I've nearly lost it again a few times and I want to stay abstinent and come off in a controlled manner rather than just fall off the wagon spectacularly.
BUT...
Although I can eat at Dartmoor, I know it won't be a block of tofu!! I'll be lucky to find a salad I expect - we're staying in a pub - although I'll probably get some soup.
Although it will feel like a reward for getting through exams - I'm not supposed to be using food as a reward and I'm SO SO stressed right now I feel like I need some kind of release and I'm scared of what that might mean.
Although I'll be coming off as a conscious decision I will also be doing so knowing that in the first week (at least ) I will not be able to follow the maintenance plan to the letter (as we'll be away for 4 days in such an inaccessible place).
Not stopping means...
continuing to lose weight and thereby having a buffer for when I start.
getting past the walking holiday and out of the danger of using it as an excuse to go mad!
BUT....
I am getting back into LL now and I can see myself getting to 10 and a half stone and wanting to be 9 and a half stone. Is this good? Why? I'm not delighted with my body right now - mostly because of loose skin - getting off and toning up would help!
Well - another 2 lbs off! I think it would have been more if I hadn't have lost it on Sunday - but I'm lucky to lose at all! I'll be VERY lucky if I make it into the 10s in two weeks time though.
But I'm not going to worry about that now. I have two very important exams in two weeks time and that's what I need to focus on right now.
Just need to keep my head down, stay focused, study and quietly burn fat in the library!!
Well - weigh in tonight! Sadly on Saturday I didn't so much fall off the wagon as fall of over the wagon, bounce over the edge of a cliff, roll down into a precipe and wallow in a pit of self pity and despair!
Yes - all the ingredients were there - pasta, chocolate, bread, cheese, wine and throwing up!!
BUT - it wasn't the most out of control I've been. I was conscious of what I was doing the whole time (I know that must sound wierd to someone who doesn't behave like that - but when I get like this it definitely does come in different levels of severity - the worst being when I completely lose control and eat until I am in physical pain and then carry on eating even though it hurts and I am loathing it) - oh and it all happens very quickly.
This was a conscious decision - what did I want to eat? I ate it slowly - in fact I didn't finish everything at once, I came back to finish it once I felt less full. Then I stopped pretty much.
Yesterday I woke up feeling, surprisingly, quite positive - not guilty and full of hate - and carried on with my foodpacks as though nothing happened!! I guess I got it out of my system?
Anyway, my last exam is in two weeks on Tuesday, May 22nd. Which is also my WI day. I'm going to try and stick it out for two more weeks and hope that I'm in the 10s by then. Then go onto maintenance - I'm hoping starting at week 3 (which is where I left off before I went to Japan) which I feel is a place where I can eat "normally" and not feel hungry and train. I want to concentrate then on training and toning for the London to Brighton Ride on June 17th and the London triathlon at the start of August.
BUT it's going to have to be a day at a time and if I crack again like on Saturday I think I will probably come off and go into maintenance straight away.
So - fingers crossed for tonight. I hope that one bad night doesn't undo 6 good ones!!
Still abstinent - but only just - I really really struggled yesterday!! Picked up a sandwich to buy it - but put it down again. Put some stuff in my mouth - spat it out again. I did swallow two cashew nuts though - WHY? It's one day at a time right now - I'd like to lose another stone - actually I'd quite like to lose more than that - but I think I'm going to have to settle for average rather than "perfect".
Anyway, I am now at the original goal I set myself - 11 stone 7lbs. But now I'm here I feel - in a strange way - almost as bad about my body as before..
I did have an inital rush of elation at being so much slimmer - being able to wear "normal" clothes etc. But now, I go into the shops and feel upset that I can't wear everything or fit into a size 10. I have lots of loose skin and still get rolls of flesh if I wear tight tops. I know I will lose some of that with exercise and toning. Also I'm back in abstinence now (after an enforced break) to lose another stone or so.
But - the problem, I'm realising, is that even if I were a size 8 I don't think I'd be happy. I still feel super critical of my body and look longingly (I know it's a mug's game) at picture of celebs on beaches in bikinis wishing I could look like that.
The thing is I'm an intelligent, mid-30s woman who should know better. I just recently analysed and wrote about women's magazines for a postgrad essay. I discuss this sort of thing with friends all the time. I know it's all bollocks basically - that I can't go by society's rules for what is right because you'll always be either too thin or too fat! But I'm beginning to wonder how much of it is society and how much is in my head??
Why can't I be happy with what I have and celebrate it??
But I do think that another stone would make an even bigger impact on my fitness and performance. Of course, a big issue is that whilst I am on LL, I can't exercise to anything like the intensity I am at the moment! I would love to go back on LL for a month in September and then train intensively over winter and come back to the triathlons next season and see if I can't beat my times. I do worry though if this is just me being stupidly obsessive again - and setting myself up, as always, for failure?
which I lurve!! But then I thought of llamas and they're notoriously smelly so my cravings went away!! - maybe I have been overdoing it...
- I honestly think if I had a tummy tuck I'd be a good half a stone lighter!).
